


blue since the day we parted

by middlecyclone



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Mamma Mia! (2008)
Genre: ABBA, Breaking the Fourth Wall, F/M, Gratuitous References to The National, M/M, Polyamory, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 16:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15368163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/middlecyclone/pseuds/middlecyclone
Summary: Harry wants to find his dads. Lily wants her business to turn around. James wants to reconnect with the love of his life. Sirius wants a vacation. Remus wants Sirius to stop singing. Christine Baranski wants a solo. And Draco is just trying to get married.





	blue since the day we parted

**Author's Note:**

> So! A few thoughts:
> 
> 1) This is an actual insane concept beamed into my brain by aliens and that will appeal to approximately six people ever on the face of the earth. So, if you're one of those six people and I don't already know who you are, please say hi. If you're not one of those six people, I'm sorry and you should save yourself now.
> 
> 2) This is my best attempt at a proper screenplay format but AO3 is not actually optimized for this type of content, so there may be some formatting errors, especially on mobile! I've done my best to check for and fix those, but I'm sorry if it's hard to read at any points.
> 
> 3) Yes, this is almost a scene for scene retelling of Mamma Mia!
> 
> 4) I am heavily in debt to, in order: Catherine Johnson, for writing it; davidjchandler(dot)co(dot)uk, for uploading a transcription of the movie to the internet at large; ABBA, for being the pure essence of joy and light distilled into musical form; Amanda Seyfried, for being beautiful; and my friends Natasha and Sriya, who independently enabled the hell out of this mess.
> 
> 5) SORRY. And enjoy!

**EXT. 12 GRIMMAULD PLACE - DUSK**

We see a tall brick townhouse, looming uneasily over a tidy, well-groomed London square. It seems well-cared for, clean and in good repair, but it doesn’t quite blend in with its neighbors. The color of the bricks are off, and the wrought-iron fence on the second floor is twisted into significantly more fantastical shapes that we would expect.

We push in on a young man, HARRY, leaning out a third story window, the wind tousling his already-messy black hair, his green eyes searching the sky for something.

**INT. 12 GRIMMAULD PLACE - DUSK**

In the distance, a tiny black speck appears in the gray sky, growing closer and closer until we see: an snowy owl. She landsgracefully on the windowsill before ruffling her feathers and hooting quietly.

HARRY

Hello, Hedwig.

He holds out an open palm, and the owl leans in and eats a treatout of his hand.

HARRY (CONT’D)

I’ve got mail for you.

He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out three envelopes, addressed in emerald green ink with messy but elegant calligraphy. He reads the names written on them aloud to the owl:

HARRY (CONT’D)

Remus Lupin, James Potter, and Sirius Black. Do you think you can find them, girl?

HEDWIG hoots, offended.

HARRY

(With a grin) Well then. Best of luck to you.

He ties the letters to her proffered leg, and with a rush of feathers she swoops into the darkening sky.

**TITLE: blue since the day we parted**

**INT. 12 GRIMMAULD PLACE FOYER - DAY**

The doorbell rings.

LILY (O.S.)

Harry, can you get that?

A long moment. It rings again.

LILY (O.S.)

Harry!

HARRY (O.S.)

Coming, coming!

He runs down the stairs, feet thumping loudly on the creaking wooden steps, and flings open the front door to reveal RON and HERMIONE standing on the threshold.

HERMIONE

Harry!

She hugs him, tackling him backwards into the front hall. Ron follows her, rolling his eyes.

RON

Don’t strangle him, Hermione!

HARRY

Hi, guys.

Hermione releases him at last and stares at him, beaming.

HERMIONE

Oh, Harry! I still can’t believe you’re getting married tomorrow! I’m so happy for you.

RON

I still can’t believe you’re marrying _Malfoy_.

HARRY

(Laughs) Thanks, guys.

He checks over his shoulder for his mother, and then grabs both their sleeves and tugs them upstairs.

RON

Oi!

Harry ignores him.

HARRY

I’m glad you’re here. I need to talk to you about something.

He pushes them both into his bedroom and closes the door behind them.

**INT. HARRY’S ROOM - DAY**

HERMIONE

Harry, what–

HARRY

I invited my dad to the wedding.

RON

You’re kidding.

HERMIONE

You found him?

HARRY

Well, not exactly.

They both stare at him, eyebrows raised in identical expressions of impatient curiousity.

HARRY (CONT’D)

Do you remember what my mom always told me? That my father had just been acrazy fling right before her Hogwarts graduation, and she’d left the Wizarding world before she even realized she was pregnant with me? I’d always just accepted that and figured it was all I’d ever know, until a few months ago, when I was cleaning out the attic and came across this–her old diary!

RON

(Skeptical) An old diary, mate? Are you sure that’s a good idea? Remember the last time...

HERMIONE

Hush, Ron. Harry, are you sure about this?

HARRY

(reading) “May 29th. What a night!”

RON

Harry, this is your _mum_. I don’t think I want to hear this!

HERMIONE

Oh, I know I do.

HARRY

(reading) “I was cramming for NEWTs until my brain felt like it would melt out of my ears, until James showed up.” James!

HERMIONE

Oooh!

RON

Seriously, mate–

HARRY

(reading) “He pulled me out of the library after dinner and snuck me out to Hogsmeade through some secret passageways. He bought me a drink at the Hog’s Head, and we went over Transfiguration notes there until I didn’t feel so sick about it anymore, and then dot dot dot.”

RON

Dot dot dot?

HARRY

You know. Dot dot dot.

RON

Oh, _eurgh_.

HARRY

(reading) “I know it seems mad after all these years, but I’m starting to think that James might be ... the one?”

**”Honey, Honey”**

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE

 _Honey, honey, how he thrills me  
_ _Aha, honey, honey  
_ _Honey, honey, nearly kills me  
_ _Aha, honey, honey  
_ _I’ve heard about him before  
_ _I wanted to know some more  
_ _And now I know what they mean  
_ _He’s a love machine  
_ _Oh, he makes me dizzy  
_ _Honey, honey, let me feel it  
_ _Aha, honey, honey  
_ _Honey, honey, don’t conceal it  
_ _Honey, honey  
_ _The way that you kiss good night  
_ _The way that you kiss me good night  
_ _The way that you hold me tight  
_ _The way that you’re holding me tight  
_ _I feel like I wanna sing  
_ _When you do your thing!_

HERMIONE

So this man James is your father, then.

HARRY

Well ... not quite.

(reading) “June 1. Never mind. James Potter is, once more, an incurable prat.”

RON

Ha! Sounds like Malfoy.

HARRY

Shut up, Ron.

(Reading) “June 8. Exams done, finally! I think I’ve done fairly well, knock on wood. All of Gryffindor House threw a huge party to celebrate, and I ended up talking all night with Remus Lupin, of all people. Well, one thing led to another, and dot dot dot...”

HERMIONE

Oh my God.

HARRY

(reading) “June 14. Something positively mad has happened. My senses have taken leave of me, and I can only hope I get them back as soon as possible. Sirius Black and I–Merlin, I don’t even want to write it out. Let’s just say that we ended up having a surprisingly civil conversation earlier, and then–

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE

Dot, dot, dot!

A knock on Harry’s bedroom door. They all whirl around to look at it, panicked. LILY enters.

LILY

Hi, Ron! Hi, Hermione!

HERMIONE

Hi, Ms. Evans.

LILY

For the hundredth time, Hermione–

HERMIONE

Lily, then, fine.

LILY

You’re all Hogwarts graduates, now. You’re a proper adult, which means you should call me by my proper name. You’re all too serious by half, you know. When I was your age, you can’t even _dream_ of the things I got up to.

RON

(Not quite as quietly as he thinks) Oh, I’ve got a pretty good idea.

Lily exits, shooting him a quizzical look over her shoulder as she goes.

**INT. MINISTRY OF MAGIC - DAY**

A bustling room, with witches and wizards in brightly colored robes appearing and disappearing constantly, out of thin air and out of the fireplaces lining the walls. A sign hanging above the door reads “INT’L ARRIVALS: FLOO AND PORTKEY.”

HARRY (V.O.)

 _Honey, honey, touch me, baby  
_ _Aha, honey, honey  
_ _Honey, honey, hold me, baby  
_ _Aha, honey, honey  
_ _You look like a movie star  
_ _But I love just who you are  
_ _And, honey, to say the least  
_ _You’re a doggone beast._

A man, REMUS LUPIN, staggers out of one of the fireplaces lining the walls, clutching a battered suitcase. He looks gray and wan, with a scarred face and huge circles below his eyes, but it’s still clear that he’s very attractive in a bookish sort of way.

Another man, JAMES POTTER, whirls into existence at a booth marked INT’L PORTKEY: AUSTRALIA, clutching a rubber chicken. He is of South Asian descent and dashingly handsome, a rucksack thrown jauntily over one shoulder and a pair of circular wire-rimmed glasses perched precariously on his nose.

The first man spots the second and waves a tired arm above the crowd; the second man locks eyes with him and grins, pushing through the crowd.

JAMES

Remus!

REMUS

Good to see you, James.

They hug fiercely.

REMUS (CONT’D)

So how’s Australia? Broken any excellent curses lately?

JAMES

Oh, dozens, each one nastier than the last. Excellent stuff. How’s America treating you? Teaching going well?

REMUS

Ilvermorny is no Hogwarts, but that’s a good thing, I think. And teenagers are teenagers, wherever you end up.

JAMES

God, I hope for your sake that your students are more well-behaved than we were at that age.

REMUS

(He laughs.) James, it would be impossible for them not to be.

**INT. HARRY'S ROOM - DAY**

HERMIONE

So who’s your dad? Remus, James, or Sirius?

HARRY

No bloody idea.

HERMIONE

So who did you invite?

HARRY

All of them.

RON

Blimey. Do they know?

HARRY

No. That’s kind of a lot, to put in a owl.

HERMIONE

But they’re coming? All three of them? Here?

**EXT. MINISTRY OF MAGIC - DAY**

A packed street. REMUS and JAMES fight their way through the crowd as they emerge from the Ministry building.

REMUS

So what brings you back to London?

JAMES

I’ve been invited to a wedding. Lily’s son, actually. You?

REMUS

The same, funnily enough.

**INT. HARRY’S ROOM - DAY**

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE^

 _Honey, honey, how you thrill me  
_ _Aha, honey, honey  
_ _Honey, honey, nearly kill me  
_ _Aha, honey, honey_

Harry crosses to his window and stares dreamily out at the clouds.

HARRY

 _I’d heard about you before  
_ _I wanted to know some more  
_ _And now I’m about to see  
_ _What you mean to me._

**EXT. MINISTRY OF MAGIC - DAY**

The throaty roar of an engine rises above the bustle of the crowd, and the two men exchange significant glances.

JAMES

Sirius picking you up?

REMUS

But of course. And you as well, I presume?

JAMES

You presume correctly.

SIRIUS BLACK pulls up on an enormous motorcycle, his shaggy hair streaming in the wind, a rakish grin on his handsome face.

SIRIUS

Well? Hop on!

REMUS

Once more unto the breach.

**INT. NO 12 GRIMMAULD PLACE KITCHEN - DAY**

Lily is sitting at the battered old kitchen table with two companions, MOLLY WEASLEY and CHRISTINE BARANSKI, peeling potatoes.

LILY

Thank you so much for coming, girls.

MOLLY

Wouldn’t miss it for the world. And besides, you know I have to keep an eye on Ron.

CHRISTINE

So, are we getting the band back together? One more night?

LILY

Oh, I don’t know–

CHRISTINE

Lily. Why else would I be here? We _are_ getting the band back together.

LILY

Okay, okay, I think I still have my old sequined robes up in the attic.

CHRISTINE

Atta girl.

Draco enters, looking faintly bedraggled.

DRACO

Lily, have you seen–oh. Hello.

MOLLY

Hello, Draco.

CHRISTINE

Hell- _o_ , _Draco_.

LILY

Please, Christine. Control yourself. He’s _marrying_ my _son_.

CHRISTINE

Oh, fine.

LILY

Draco, if you’re looking for Harry I think he’s up in his room–oh, I guess not.

Harry appears behind Draco on the stone steps leading down to the kitchen, Ron and Hermione a few steps behind him.

HARRY

Were you looking for me?

DRACO

Yes, I need your bridesmaids to get one final fitting on their robes.

RON

Don’t call me a bridesmaid, Malfoy.

DRACO

If the shoe fits, Weasley–

HARRY

Draco, you’re the one who wanted a big extravagant wedding. I’m not going to say the word “bridezilla,” but you know I could if I wanted to.

DRACO

(Irritable) I know, I know. I just get distraught when I remember how much Weasley’s garish hair is going to clash with our color scheme.

RON

Garish!

HARRY

But then you remember you’re marrying me, and you fall head over heels in love all over again,right?

He says the words with a sarcastic roll of his eyes, but as Draco grabs him by his collar and pulls him the rest of the way down the stairs, his face softens until it’s anything but.

DRACO

That’s right, baby.

They kiss. Passionately.

RON

Oh, come on.

Extremely passionately.

CHRISTINE

Ah, young love.

LILY

(Struggling with her knife) Oh, son of a banshee! These potatoes!

MOLLY

Oh, Merlin, Lily, I thought you were doing them by hand for authenticity’s sake! Let me.

She pulls her wand out of her sleeve and with one swish, all the potatoes start neatly peeling and dicing themselves.

MOLLY (CONT’D)

Honestly! Don’t Harry and Draco help you with anything?

LILY

No, they do! There’s just usually so many Muggles about that I forget I can actually use spells for things when they’re not here. The B&B is doing fine but more traffic would always be nice, and Draco is going to help get us on the web.

HERMIONE

(Horrified) You don’t have a website? How do you get any guests?

LILY

No, no, we have a website already for the Muggle guests, but Draco is going to get us on the World Wizarding Web.

Draco pulls away from Harry at last to interject.

DRACO

It’s a literal web. You stick a little piece of parchment on it. It’s where all the best families on the Continent and in America find their accommodations when they’re summering in London.

HERMIONE

Summering...in London...

DRACO

Come on, people. Enough chatter. I wasn’t kidding about the bridesmaid dress fittings.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco exit.

MOLLY

Lily, you _hate_ all the best families on the Continent. What’s this about?

LILY

Well, yes. They’re extremely prejudiced and a little too inbred for my liking. But–oh, I don’t know, we really could use a few more guests, whether they’re Muggles or racist Belgian wizard aristocracy.Although obviously I would prefer the Muggles. It’s just–

 **”Money, Money, Money”**  

LILY

 _I work all night, I work all day  
_ _To pay the bills I have to pay_

ALL

_Ain’t it sad?_

LILY

 _And still there never seems to be  
_ _A single penny left for me_

ALL

_That’s too bad!_

LILY

 _In my dreams I have a plan  
_ _If I got me a wealthy man  
_ _I wouldn’t have to work at all  
_ _I’d fool around and have a ball  
_ _Money, money, money  
_ _Must be funny  
_ _In a rich man’s world  
_ _Money, money, money  
_ _Always sunny  
_ _In a rich man’s world  
_ _All the things I could do  
_ _If I had a little money –_

ALL

_It’s a rich man’s world._

LILY

_It’s a rich man’s world._

CHRISTINE

_A man like that is hard to find_

LILY

_But I can’t get him off my mind_

ALL

_Ain’t it sad?_

LILY

 _And if he happens to be fre  
_ _I bet he wouldn’t fancy me_

ALL

_That’s too bad_

LILY

 _So I must leave, I have to go  
_ _To Las Vegas or Monaco  
_ _And win a fortune in a game  
_ _My life will never be the same  
_ _Money, money, money  
_ _Must be funny  
_ _In a rich man’s world  
_ _Money, money, money  
_ _Always sunny  
_ _In a rich man’s world  
_ _All the things I could do  
_ _If I had a little money  
_ _It’s a rich man’s world_

ALL

_Money, money, money, etc._

MOLLY

I just want to note that I found that musical number highly offensive.

LILY

Ah. Noted.

**INT. 12 GRIMMAULD PLACE FOYER - DAY**

Harry is descending the staircase, presumably having escaped his robe fittings. As he passes by the front door, there is a knock. He opens it to see Remus, James, and Sirius all standing on the the front step.

HARRY

Hi, can I ... help you?

REMUS

Yes, please, that would be great. We’re here for the wedding. I’m Remus Lupin.

HARRY

Oh, er–

SIRIUS

And I’m Sirius Black.

JAMES

And I’m Potter. James. James Potter, I mean, that’s my names. Name. Just one. I mean there’s two parts but it’s just one name, technically.

HARRY

...Yes.

REMUS

You are expecting us, right?

HARRY

Oh! Yes!

SIRIUS

Say, are you Lily’s kid?

HARRY

That’s me.

JAMES

You’ve got her eyes.

HARRY

I get that a lot.

SIRIUS

So it’s your wedding?

Harry nods.

SIRIUS

(Very loudly) WELL, CONGRATULATIONS!

HARRY

Shhh! (Immediately thinking better of his rudeness) Oh, you had better come in.

They do.

HARRY

Let me ... take you to your room.

He heads up the stairs, and the three men follow him, varying levels of hesitant.

REMUS

He said rooms, surely? Rooms with an ’s’? Plural?

There is no response.

REMUS (CONT’D)

Seriously, is nobody else concerned about “room”?

**INT. DRAWING ROOM - DAY**

The drawing room, unlike the rest of the house, really shows its age. While the other rooms are worn but clean and well-cared for, this room is dim, dusty, and filled with scattered boxes, clearly being used for storage. A huge family tree tapestry hangs on one wall, and the ratty curtains blocking the sunshine buzz forebodingly.

HARRY

Damn. The doxies are back.

SIRIUS

Ah, this old place. I remember that horrible tapestry. My name is still burned off it, if I’m not mistaken.

HARRY

You’ve been here before?

SIRIUS

Well, of course. I grew up in this house.

Harry stares at him, shocked.

SIRIUS (CONT’D)

It’s the old Black family mansion, obviously. I have no idea how your mother ended up with it.

HARRY

I think she was left it when the previous owner died.

SIRIUS

I seriously doubt that, because the previous owner was my mother and she was a horrible racist old bat. She would never let this place leave the family.

REMUS

This is very nice and all, but this is not a bedroom. It’s especially not _multiple_ bedrooms, but I’m prepared to lower my expectations a little.

HARRY

I’m sorry, guys, I just thought it would be a fun surprise for my mum to have you all here.

JAMES

Wait, Lily doesn’t know we’re here? Oh no no no. I can’t be here. Last time I saw her, she told me I was the most insensitive prick she had ever had the misfortune to interact with and she hoped she never saw me again.

SIRIUS

The last time she saw me she told me I was a thoughtless, reckless nightmare of a man and I should take myself and my dashingly handsome face off to a cave where I wouldn’t inflict my personality onto any innocent bystanders.

REMUS

She did not call you dashingly handsome.

SIRIUS

Well. Artistic license.

REMUS

Lily and I are on great terms, actually. She sends me a Christmas card every year. (Seeing the glares of his friend) But yes, we probably shouldn’t be here.

In the distance, there’s a faint humming, and the door creaks.

REMUS

Oh, is that her now?

HARRY

Oh, damn. She can’t see me here, I have to go, but–guys, please stay. Please. It would mean a lot to me and I know it would mean a lot to my mum, too.

SIRIUS

Well, when you put it like that...

James pulls something out of his back pocket and tosses it to Harry: his invisibility cloak.

JAMES

Here. Take this. It’ll hide you.

HARRY

What?

The door opens. Lily enters, carrying a large storage box.

JAMES

(Whispering) just put it on!

Harry does, flinging it dramatically over his shoulders, and promptly disappears. Lily doesn’t notice him, but she does see the other men, and drops her box in shock.

LILY

Remus? James? Sirius? What are you doing here?

**”Mamma Mia”**

LILY

 _I was cheated by you  
_ _And I think you know when_

SIRIUS

Oh, come on. Cheated is a very harsh word.

LILY

 _So I made up my mind  
_ _It must come to an end_

JAMES

Lily, I’m sorry, I just–

LILY

 _Look at me now  
_ _Will I ever learn?  
_ _I don’t know how  
_ _But I suddenly lose control  
_ _There’s a fire within my soul  
_ _Just one look and I can hear a bell ring  
_ _One more look and I forget everything_

As she sings the chorus, she turns to go, glaring at them as she goes.

LILY

 _Mamma mia, here I go again  
_ _My, my, how can I resist you?  
_ _Mamma mia, does it show again?  
_ _My, my, just how much I’ve missed you_

Seeing her intentions, James dashes across the room and grabs her gently by the shoulders, turning her to look at him as he sings.

JAMES

 _Yes, I’ve been broken-hearted  
_ _Blue since the day we parted  
_ _Why, why did I ever let you go?  
_ _Mamma mia, now I really know  
_ _My, my, I should not have let you go_

Lily pulls away from James but doesn’t try to leave again. She looks distraught and conflicted.

Remus steps up behind James, leaning against him casually and reaching out to hold one of Lily’s hands.

REMUS

 _I was angry and sad  
_ _When I knew we were through  
_ _I can’t count all the times  
_ _I have cried over you_

Sirius, never one to be left out, tackles the lot of them in a sloppy group hug.

SIRIUS

 _Look at me now  
_ _Will I ever learn?  
_ _I don’t know how  
_ _But I suddenly lose control  
_ _There’s a fire within my soul_

ALL

 _Just one look and I can hear a bell ring  
_ _One more look and I forget everything._

As they sing, the ominously buzzing curtains buzz ominously louder, until approximately six to eight doxies emerge from their folds and start to sing. Their voices are shrill and horrible, but their flying choreography is dead-on.

DOXIE CHORUS

 _Mamma mia, here I go again  
_ _My, my, how can I resist you?  
_ _Mamma mia, does it show again?  
_ _My, my, just how much I’ve missed you_

SIRIUS

Oh, now that’s just fucked up.

REMUS

They really don’t do that, this is unprecedented behavior from this species. I should take notes.

ALL

 _Yes, I’ve been broken-hearted  
_ _Blue since the day we parted  
_ _Why, why did I ever let you go?  
_ _Mamma mia, now I really know  
_ _My, my, I should not have let you go  
_ _etc._

LILY

Okay, no, that’s enough.

She extricates herself from the group hug.

LILY

What is this? Why are you all here?

REMUS

I’m, er, researching doxie behavior for a paper. You’ve got some real specimens in here.

SIRIUS

And I thought I would just check out the old place, see how it’s holding up, see if you’ve gotten past my permanent sticking charms yet.

LILY

(Irritated) Those bloody charms.

JAMES

And I am ... lost. Literally. I got turned around on the streets, took a wrong tube stop, took a wrong turn or seven and ended up in your drawing room!

LILY

Alright, well, I don’t know how any of you got in without me noticing, but you can’t stay here. It’s my son’s wedding tomorrow, and I’m much too busy to host you.

SIRIUS

Oh, that’s fine, we’re easy. I know where everything is already. We can just sleep on the couches in here!

Remus is looking skeptically at the mysteriously stained fabric.

REMUS

I would actually prefer _not_ to sleep on the couches in here, thanks.

LILY

Good instincts.

JAMES

Come on, Lily, surely–

LILY

No! Come on, I know at least one of you has a flat in London. Get out. Chop chop.

SIRIUS

Ah, well, you wouldn’t be wrong there.

REMUS

We’ll get out of your hair.

LILY

Thank you.

JAMES

Lily?

LILY

WHAT?

JAMES

It’s good to see you.

Lily, flustered, leaves. James smiles.

**INT. LILY’S MASTER BEDROOM - DAY**

Lily has flung herself facedown across her bed, sobbing into her arms. Molly and Christine linger in the doorway; Molly looks exasperated, and Christine looks distinctly uncomfortable.

MOLLY

Come on, love. What’s wrong?

CHRISTINE

(Whispering) Can you talk to her?

MOLLY

Oh, fine. Lord knows I’ve done this enough for all my kids. Percy especially.

**”Chiquitita”**

MOLLY

_Chiquitita,tell me what’s wrong_

CHRISTINE

_I have never seen such sorrow_

BOTH

 _In your eyes  
_ _And the wedding is tomorrow!_

Lily sits up.

LILY

Oh, hell no. We are not doing this.

MOLLY

What?

CHRISTINE

 _How I hate to see you like this  
_ _There is no way you can deny it_

LILY

I said no, Christine Baranski. I bloody hate this song.

MOLLY

Oh, fair enough.

CHRISTINE

I mean, I think it’s great, but sure. Fine.

LILY

Can’t we just talk normally about what’s bothering me?

MOLLY

I would distinctly prefer it.

CHRISTINE

If you insist.

LILY

It’s Harry’s dad!

MOLLY

What’s Harry’s dad?

CHRISTINE

You mean, _who’s_ Harry’s dad.

LILY

That’s the thing! I always told you it was James Potter, that massive idiot, but honestly ... I can’t be sure, because... well...

CHRISTINE

Lily!

MOLLY

Why didn’t you ever tell us?

CHRISTINE

You had to know that of all people, we would never judge you.

MOLLY

(Pointedly, at Christine) Well. Cauldron calling the kettle black, and all that.

LILY

I didn’t think I would have to! I never thought they would all three of them show up out of the blue and hide out in the third floor drawing room!

CHRISTINE

The drawing room, you say?

Molly and Christine lock eyes, before dashing out of the room together.

LILY

Wait–

**INT. DRAWING ROOM - DAY**

Molly and Christine burst in, panting, staring around wildly, but the room appears to be empty.

MOLLY

(Disappointed) Oh, there’s nobody here.

Lily dashes in a second later, eyes wild.

LILY

Molly, Christine-don’t–

CHRISTINE

Don’t what?

LILY

Oh. They’re not here. Never mind. I was going to say, don’t let them see you, but–

MOLLY

Bit of a moot point, then.

CHRISTINE

Are you sure you saw them?

LILY

(She snorts) Do you really think I could forget seeing James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black all in one place? Yes, I’m sure! They were here!

MOLLY, CHRISTINE

Sirius Black?!

LILY

Oh, don’t start.

They exit. As the door closes behind them, James pulls the invisibility cloak off to reveal himself as well as Harry, Remus, and Sirius.

SIRIUS

That was a close one.

REMUS

We had better get out of here.

HARRY

Oh, don’t go!

JAMES

Harry, your mother said–

HARRY

Oh, I know, I heard, and you probably don’t want to stay in this room because it’s really a horrible place but please come to my wedding tomorrow. Please.

SIRIUS

Well...

REMUS

Since you asked so nicely...

JAMES

Of course.

**INT. GRIMMAULD PLACE KITCHEN**

LILY

They must have left! Thank God. Harry can’t know they’re here.

MOLLY

What? Oh, why not?

LILY

Please, Molly. I can’t let my son find out that I don’t even know who his father is! He’d never look at me the same.

CHRISTINE

Oh, Lily, I’m sure he wouldn’t judge you.

MOLLY

He’s such a sweet, kind boy. Not like my twins–

CHRISTINE

Enough about the twins, Molly.

LILY

You don’t know him like I do! He would be shocked!

MOLLY

It’s okay to be a little softer on yourself. It’s okay to have a little fun!

MOLLY, CHRISTINE

(Singing)  
_You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life!  
__See that girl, watch that scene, diggin’the dancing queen!_

LILY

Oh, see, now this is better. Now we’re cooking with gas.

MOLLY, CHRISTINE

 _Friday night and the lights are low,  
_ _Looking out for a place to go  
_ _Where they play the right music, getting in the swing,  
_ _You come to look for a king.  
_ _Anybody could be that guy,  
_ _Night is young and the music’s high,  
_ _With a bit of rock music, everything is fine.  
_ _You’re in the mood for a dance,  
_ _And when you get the chance …_

LILY

(Joining in)  
_You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!_

CHRISTINE

Oh, there we go!

ALL

 _Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine! Oh yeah!  
_ _You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life!  
_ _See that girl, watch that scene, diggin’ the dancing queen!_

LILY

 _You’re a teaser, you turn ’em on  
_ _Leave them burning, and then you’re gone_

ALL

 _Looking out for another, anyone will do.  
_ _You’re in the mood for a dance,  
_ _AND WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE …  
_ _YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN, ETC._

LILY

See, thats how you do a musical number! Now _that’s_ a song.

MOLLY

What are you on about?

**EXT. SIRIUS’S FLAT – DAY**

Harry stands out on the front stoop, hand hesitating for only a second before he knocks.

SIRIUS

(Muffled, from inside) Coming!

He pulls open the door, and sees Harry standing there.

SIRIUS (CONT’D)

Oh! Harry!

JAMES

(Also muffled) Harry?

REMUS

(The most muffled of all) Did you say Harry?

SIRIUS

I think you had better come in.

**INT. SIRIUS’S KITCHEN – DAY**

It’s a bright, clean, modern room; lots of natural light and light wood. The four men sit around a table strewn with back issues of the Daily Prophet, all folded open to the Quidditch pages.

HARRY

So how did you all know my mum, anyway?

SIRIUS

Oh, we were all at school together.

JAMES

We were all friends! Well, the three of us were friends, and Lily was also there. I considered her a friend. She hated me.

REMUS

So much. She hated him _so_ much.

HARRY

What? Why?

JAMES

Well, I’m very annoying, see.

SIRIUS

But it was a good time! We all did get along, even if Lily pretended we didn’t.

**”Our Last Summer”**

REMUS

(Singing)  
_I can still recall  
__Our last summer  
__I still see it all_

JAMES

Oh, no.

REMUS

 _Walks along the Seine  
_ _Laughing in the rain  
_ _Our last summer  
_ _Memories that remain_

SIRIUS

Oi, what rubbish are you on about now? You _never_ went to Paris with Lily.

REMUS

 _We made our way along the river  
_ _And we sat down in the grass  
_ _By the Eiffel Tower._

SIRIUS

Voice of a mermaid out of water, this one. A mermaid out of water with laryngitis.

JAMES

Oh, like you’re one to talk!

SIRIUS

 _I was so happy we had met  
_ _It was the age of no regret._

REMUS, JAMES, SIRIUS

_Oh, yes!_

JAMES

 _Those crazy years, that was the time  
_ _Of the flower power._

SIRIUS

_But underneath we had a fear of flying –_

REMUS

_Of growing old –_

JAMES

_A fear of slowly dying._

SIRIUS

 _We took a chance  
_ _Like we were dancing our last dance._

ALL

 _I can still recall  
_ _Our last summer  
_ _I still see it all  
_ _In the tourist jam  
_ _Round the Notre Dame  
_ _Our last summer  
_ _Walking hand in hand._

JAMES

Sorry, no, I can’t. We did not go to Paris. It was more like:

(Singing)

 _Shrieking Shack at night  
_ _Our last summer  
_ _Fun till our next fight  
_ _Living for the day  
_ _Worrying bout N.E.W.Ts day  
_ _Our last summer  
_ _We had to study potions._

SIRIUS

That last bit didn’t rhyme, mate.

REMUS

Not even close. And you rhymed day with day earlier

HARRY

Yeah, I have heard better.

A handsome eagle owl swoops in through the kitchen window and alights on the table, an envelope tied to its leg.

HARRY (CONT’D)

Berninger? What is it?

He opens the envelope, and the camera sees that it says, in elegant script:

HARRY, WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED TO TALK. --DRACO

HARRY (CONT’D)

Oh, damn. I have to go!

**EXT. GRIMMAULD PLACE BACK GARDEN - DAY**

The back garden seems to be set up for an event; there’s a crude stage erected along one side, a few scattered small cafe tables and a taller table that looks set up as a crude bar, an area cleared for a dance floor, and enchanted fairy lights hung everywhere.

Harry steps out into the garden through the back door and Draco, who had been sitting at a cafe table, looks up.

DRACO

Where have you been, Harry?

HARRY

I...

DRACO

I’ve been looking everywhere! I searched the whole house for you! Did you _leave_?

HARRY

Draco, I need to tell you something. I’ve done something a bit stupid.

DRACO

Oh, haven’t we all.

HARRY

No, I mean–truly stupid. Sappy and romantic and hopeful, but mostly stupid.

DRACO

That’s... okay, we’ll come back to that, because that sounds truly foreboding, but I’ve done something stupid too. I’ve gotten you something. A wedding present.

HARRY

We’re marrying _each other_ , Draco. We aren’t supposed to get each other wedding presents. Emily Post says so.

DRACO

...Emily who? Is this a muggle thing? Look, don’t worry about it, I just wanted to do something nice, and since you and your mom are always singing and dancing these elaborately choreographed group musical numbers–

HARRY

(Interrupting, aghast) We _what_?

DRACO

Harry, darling, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

HARRY

I don’t.

DRACO

(Blithely ignoring him) I’ve prepared a little something for you.

HARRY

(Sotto voce) Why am I scared?

DRACO

Hit it, boys.

 **“Lay All Your Love On Me”**  

DRACO

(Singing)  
_I wasn’t jealous before we met  
__Now every woman I see is a potential threat_

HARRY

Malfoy, we’re gay.

He clambers up on top of one of the cafe tables and starts wildly waving his arms about.

DRACO (CONT’D)

 _And I’m possessive, it isn’t nice  
_ _You’ve heard me saying that smoking was my only vice_

He leaps off the cafe table, attempting to do a flip on the way down and failing completely, getting tangled in one of the chair and crashing abruptly to the ground.

HARRY

Merlin’s pants, Draco, are you okay?

Draco continues singing dramatically from his new position flat on his back in the grass, looking a little winded but otherwise unharmed.

DRACO

 _But now it isn’t true  
_ _Now everything is new  
_ _And all I’ve learned has overturned  
_ _I beg of you –_

Harry steps forward and offers his hand to Draco, pulling the other man up until they’re standing face to face.

HARRY

 _Don’t go wasting your emotion  
_ _Lay all your love on me_

Draco leans in, angling for a kiss, but Harry pushes him away with a laugh and steps backward–right into a cafe table of his own. He goes down.

HARRY

Ouch!

 _It was like shooting a sitting duck  
_ _A little small talk, a smile and, baby, I was stuck  
_ _I still don’t know what you’ve done with me  
_ _A grown-up man should never fall so easily_

By this point, Draco has reversed the favor and pulled Harry back to his feet as well.

HARRY (CONT’D)

 _I feel a kind of fear  
_ _When I don’t have you near  
_ _Unsatisfied, I skip my pride  
_ _I beg you, dear –_

DRACO

 _Don’t go wasting your emotion  
_ _Lay all your love on me._

Having learned absolutely no lessons from the last two verses, Draco tries to pick Harry up by the waist and set him on a table, but he doesn’t quite have the strength. Harry tries to lift Draco instead, but gets no further. These are two twiggy adult men who’s only exercise involves literal flying magical brooms, people. They’re not going to be ripped.

Defeated by their own overcooked spaghetti arms, Draco settles for going in for a kiss while they’re both still standing, and nearly makes it, until–

Fifteen extras dressed in Slytherin house uniforms stream out the back door and drag Harry and Draco apart.

HORDE OF BOYS

 _Don’t go sharing your devotion  
_ _Lay all your love on me  
_ _Don’t go wasting your emotion  
_ _Lay all your love on me._

HARRY

Oh, what the fuck is this.

DRACO

I forgot I’d made this a group number.

The horde of boys do an involved and very stupid dance that involves a non-zero quantity of penguin waddling.

RON, HERMIONE (V.O.)

 _Don’t go sharing your devotion  
_ _Lay all your love on me_

The scene has now transitioned to:

**EXT. GRIMMAULD PLACE BACK GARDEN – NIGHT**

The fairy lights are now alight in the darkness, and the back garden is filled with Harry’s friends, including: Ron and Hermione; all other Weasley siblings except Percy; Luna Lovegood; Dean, Seamus, and Neville; Cedric Diggory, Cho Chang, and various other assorted Hogwarts classmates. Lily, Molly, and Christine are standing on the stage, wearing impossibly gaudy sequined dress robes.

CHRISTINE

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting for one night only–

LILY

Because I have some dignity this days–

MOLLY

Speak for yourself! It’s the Wyrd Sisters!

SEAMUS

Merlin’s balls, Ginny, your mum is in the Weird Sisters? You never said!

GINNY

No, no, the _Wyrd_ sisters. They’re a Weird sisters cover band, and they also do a lot of Muggle songs–oh, you’ll see.

**”Super Trouper”**

LILY, MOLLY, CHRISTINE

 _Super Trouper  
_ _Lights are gonna find me  
_ _But I won’t feel blue  
_ _Like I always do  
_ _’Cause somewhere in the crowd, there’s you  
_ _I was sick and tired of everything  
_ _When I called you last night from Glasgow  
_ _All I do is eat and sleep and sing  
_ _Wishing every show was the last show,  
_ _Wishing every show was the last show.  
_ _So imagine I was glad to hear you’re coming  
_ _Suddenly I feel all right  
_ _And suddenly it’s gonna be  
_ _And it’s gonna be so different when I’m on the stage tonight  
_ _Tonight the Super Trouper  
_ _Lights are gonna find me._

At this point, Remus, Sirius, and James appear at the back gate of the garden, and slip in to the party together as a group.

JAMES

Oh, it’s our song!

REMUS

Your song?

SIRIUS

That was our song!

LILY, MOLLY, CHRISTINE

 _Smiling, having fun  
_ _Feeling like a number one  
_ _Tonight the Super Trouper  
_ _Beams are gonna blind me  
_ _But I won’t feel blue  
_ _Like I always do  
_ _’Cause somewhere in the crowd, there’s you.  
_ _So I’ll be there when you arrive  
_ _The sight of you will prove to me I’m still alive  
_ _And when you take me in your arms  
_ _And hold me tight  
_ _I know it’s gonna mean so much tonight  
_ _Tonight the Super Trouper  
_ _Lights are gonna find me  
_ _Shining like the sun  
_ _Smiling, having fun  
_ _Feeling like a number one  
_ _Tonight the Super Trouper  
_ _Beams are gonna blind me  
_ _But I won’t feel blue  
_ _Like I always do  
_ _’Cause somewhere in the crowd, there’s you  
_ _Super Trouper lights  
_ _Are gonna find me._

Lily, Molly, and Christine take a break to grab drinks from the bar and chat.

LILY

I cannot believe them. Who do they think they are, showing up like this?

MOLLY

Oh, darling, I know. Maybe they think they’re being supportive?

LILY

(Glares daggers in their general direction) Maybe so, but it’s not bloody working.

 **”Gimme, Gimme, Gimme”**  

CHORUS

(Singing)  
_Is there a man out there?  
__Someone to hear my prayer?  
__Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!  
__A man after midnight  
__Won’t somebody help me  
__Chase the shadows away  
__Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! etc._

In the confusion of the dim garden, Sirius realizes that James and Remus have disappeared into the crowd, and as he turns around he bumps into Harry.

SIRIUS

Oh, hello! Quite a party you have here.

HARRY

Ha, yes, well, my fiancé rather insisted.

SIRIUS

It’s so great of your mum to perform all these songs for you. My mother would never have done any of this for any of her children, not in a million years. I’m not sure she even knew what music _was_. Or parties. Or fun.

HARRY

(Laughs) Yeah, that sounds about right.

SIRIUS

How would you know?

HARRY

Oh, I’ve lived in this house more or less my whole life, but we didn’t figure out how to cancel the Permanent Sticking Charm on her portrait until I was nearly twelve. I heard a lot out of your mum.

SIRIUS

My fucking condolences.

A beat. He frowns, thinking hard.

SIRIUS (CONT’D)

Wait, your whole life? That would mean that you would have had to have moved in before dear old mum was even cold in the ground. How did Lily end up with this place, again?

HARRY

(Vaguely) Oh, I’m not really sure. Some complicated blood inheritance laws, I think? Maybe?

SIRIUS

Oh.

Another beat.

SIRIUS (CONT’D)

Wait, Harry, are you saying what I think you’re saying?

But Harry doesn’t hear him. He’s been swallowed up by the crowd.

CHORUS

(Singing)  
_Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!  
__A man after midnight  
__Take me through the darkness  
__To the break of the day._

Harry finds his way to the edge of the crowd and enters the tiny side garden, where Remus is crouched over the flowerbeds.

REMUS

Venomous tentacula.

HARRY

Pardon?

REMUS

Venomous tentacula. It’s a plant–

HARRY

I know what it is–

REMUS

–and you’ve got one growing in your garden.

Harry frowns, and crouches down next to Remus to inspect the plant.

HARRY

Oh, Merlin. You’re right.

REMUS

I also suspect you’ve got a bit of a Red Cap infestation, though why they’re in your garden is beyond me–

HARRY

Damn it, not again.

He pulls out his wand and casts several hexes into the undergrowth, pausing only to cast a bubble charm over the venomous tentacula.

HARRY

I’ll deal with the plant later. I’ve had about four drinks and it’s a delicate process.

REMUS

Very wise.

HARRY

Thank you for noticing all that. There’s just so much residual Dark magic in the grounds that we can’t manage to keep them clean.

REMUS

You know, that was some very nice spellwork you did just now. What are your plans for after Hogwarts?

Harry sighs, deeply.

HARRY

Well, I’d been thinking about applying for Auror training, but I’m just not sure. My mum needs me to help around the B&B.

REMUS

You have a real knack for it, you know. You would be a fantastic Auror.

HARRY

Is that what you do? Are you an Auror?

REMUS

Heavens, no. I teach Defense at a school in America.

HARRY

Oh, that’s great! I love kids. Do you have any of your own?

REMUS

No, I don’t, though I’ve always rather wanted to have a family ... why do you ask?

But the roar of the crowd picks up again, and Harry is gone.

CHORUS

(Singing)  
_Is there a man out there?  
__Someone to hear my prayer?_

James, making his way over to the bar for a drink, literally slams into Harry, and the pair nearly tumble to the ground.

JAMES

Oh, Merlin, sorry!

HARRY

No, I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.

JAMES

(Takes a deep breath) Look, Harry, this is a bit abrupt, but–well–I was wondering why you asked me here.

HARRY

I told you, I just–

JAMES

No, I mean the _real_ reason. Harry, am I your father?

With a loud bang, the back door flies open and Draco’s horde of boys floods out into the yard, still in Slytherin colors but much more scantily dressed than when we saw them last. They join Harry’s much more sedate crowd with a hearty cheer from everyone, and the Wyrd Sisters once more take the stage.

**”Voulez-vous”**

LILY, MOLLY, CHRISTINE

 _People everywhere  
_ _A sense of expectation hanging in the air  
_ _Giving out a spark  
_ _Across the room your eyes are glowing in the dark  
_ _And here we go again  
_ _We know the start, we know the end  
_ _Masters of the scene  
_ _We’ve done it all before  
_ _And now we’re back to get some more  
_ _You know what I mean  
_ _Voulez-vous  
_ _Take it now or leave it  
_ _Now is all we get  
_ _Nothing promised, no regrets  
_ _Voulez-vous  
_ _Ain’t no big decision  
_ _You know what to do  
_ _La question c’est voulez-vous  
_ _Voulez-vous._

Harry stands in the middle of the crowd, looking a bit overwhelmed as he searches for Draco. Sirius, an uncharacteristically serious look on his face, comes up behind Harry and grabs his shoulder, pulling him aside for a quick talk.

SIRIUS

Harry, despite what your mother may have told you, I’m not stupid. I know why you’ve asked me here.

HARRY

Er–

SIRIUS

I’m your father, aren’t I?

Harry is quiet for a moment, looking for the right way to answer, but Sirius takes his silence as truth.

SIRIUS

I knew it! I can’t believe Lily didn’t tell me. So, look, Harry–who’s giving you away tomorrow?

HARRY

What? Giving me _away_? Nobody.

SIRIUS

Wrong! I am!

HARRY

No, I mean, we aren’t doing that–we’re both men, Sirius, that’s not really how it works–

But his protests fall on deaf ears, and with a grin Sirius is gone.

LILY, MOLLY, CHRISTINE

 _Voulez-vous  
_ _Take it now or leave it  
_ _Now is all we get._

Someone presses a cup of punch into Harry’s hand.

HARRY

Thank you!

He looks up, and realizes it’s Remus handing him the drink.

REMUS

Harry, I was thinking, and I need to ask you something. Am I your father?

HARRY

Well–

REMUS

It’s just–the timeline adds up so well, and Lily’s always told me that your father isn’t in the picture at all, and... I have to confess. I see so much of myself in you.

Harry is struck surprisingly emotional by this statement, and most likely the punch as well, and against his better thinking he steps forward and crushes Remus in a bear hug.

REMUS

Oh! I suppose that’s an answer of sorts. Harry, if it’s alright I would like to walk you down the aisle tomorrow.

HARRY

Well, we’re not really doing a traditional wedding, us being gay and all that.

REMUS

Oh, I’m sure, but some traditions are meant to be kept.

HARRY

Remus, I just don’t–

REMUS

Please, Harry. Call me Dad.

LILY, MOLLY, CHRISTINE

 _Voulez-vous  
_ _Ain’t no big decision  
_ _You know what to do  
_ _La question c’est voulez-vous  
_ _Voulez-vous._

Harry, stressed and confused, tries to flee the party, but once more physically slams into James.

JAMES

I’ll see you tomorrow, Harry! I could tell you wanted me to walk you down the aisle, and don’t worry. I’ll be there.

HARRY

Wait, no–

JAMES

Good night!

HARRY

WAIT! NO!

Draco swoops in, wrapping an arm around Harry’s waist.

DRACO

Are you okay? Your face has gone all pinched.

HARRY

Thanks, Draco. I’m fine, I think I’ve just gotten myself in a bit over my head.

LILY, MOLLY, CHRISTINE

 _Voulez-vous  
_ _Take it now or leave it, etc._

**INT. GRIMMAULD PLACE KITCHEN - DAY**

It’s early the next morning; the sun is just beginning to peek weakly through the small ceiling-height window in the basement kitchen. Lily is sitting at the polished-bright kitchen table, slowly and quietly drinking a mug of coffee.

A soft tapping at–not the front door, no, but the window? Lily ignores it at first, thinking it a bird or a squirrel, but the tapping returns louder and more insistent, and she looks up to see a face: Sirius.

Lily screams and almost knocks her coffee over.

SIRIUS

Shhhh!

Lily crosses over to the window and flings it open, glaring upward at Sirius, who is crouching on the pavement outside.

LILY

What are you doing here?

SIRIUS

We need to talk.

LILY

No, we most certainly do not.

SIRIUS

I’m coming in.

LILY

No you are _not_ –

But it’s too late. Sirius is sliding through the window feet-first. He has to shimmy a bit to fit his hips through, and the window is set far too high in the wall for him to simply step down so he ends up crashing to the stone floor with an inelegant thud.

LILY

I repeat, what are you doing here?

SIRIUS

I mean, technically this is my house.

LILY

(Snorts) No, it most certainly is not.

SIRIUS

Okay, yes, true, it really isn’t, but still. I grew up here. It’s strange seeing you and Harry living here. It’s so different these days, you know? So much has changed.

LILY

Oh? Good different, or bad different?

SIRIUS

Definitely good different. For one thing, it’s much cleaner.

LILY

Merlin, I should hope so! It was filthy when we moved in.

SIRIUS

Lily, this isn’t what I came here to talk about. Why didn’t you tell me Harry was getting married?

LILY

Well, to put it simply, I didn’t think it was any of your business.

Another knock on the window. Both Sirius and Lily scream this time. Remus peers in.

REMUS

Hello.

LILY

Oh, come on!

SIRIUS

Did you follow me here?

REMUS

I couldn’t help but overhear–

LILY

I THINK YOU COULD HELP IT–

SIRIUS

THROUGH THE KITCHEN WINDOW, YOU NOSY MANIAC–

LILY

(To Sirius) Oh, like you’re one to talk–

REMUS

And Why is Harry getting married so young, anyway? Didn’t he just graduate from Hogwarts a few months ago? He shouldn’t be settling down already!

LILY

Oh trust me, I know. I’ve tried.

REMUS

He just has so much potential. He’s really a brilliant kid.

LILY

Again, trust me. I know.

SIRIUS

I bet he just doesn’t want to leave you here all alone, rattling around this old death trap with the house elf heads and the Muggle guests.

LILY

Oh, please, Sirius. You have no idea what you’re talking about. He knows that I’m perfectly happy being here on my own. I love this old death trap, and the Muggle guests, and I threw the house elf heads out a decade ago. I love being single, and he knows that.

REMUS

Are you sure?

 **”S.O.S.”**  

SIRIUS

(Singing)  
_Where are those happy days?  
__They seem so hard to find_

REMUS

Oh, we’re doing this instead. That’s ... fine.

LILY

Oh my God, Sirius.

REMUS

That’s not singing.

LILY

You sound like a drunk hippopotamus doing karaoke.

SIRIUS (CONT’D)

 _I try to reach for you  
_ _But you have closed your mind  
_ _What ever happened to our love?  
_ _I wish I understood  
_ _It used to be so nice  
_ _It used to be so good_

REMUS

Please stop.

SIRIUS (CONT’D)

 _So when you’re near me, darling  
_ _Can’t you hear me? SOS  
_ _The love you gave me  
_ _Nothing else can save me SOS  
_ _When you’re gone  
_ _How can I even try to go on?  
_ _When you’re gone, though I try  
_ _How can I carry on?_

LILY

Merlin, okay, fine, just–let me–

(Singing)  
_You seem so far away though you are standing near  
_ _You made me feel alive but something died, I fear_

REMUS

Oh, much better.

LILY (CONT’D)

 _I really tried to make it out  
_ _I wish I understood  
_ _What happened to our love?  
_ _It used to be so good  
_ _So when you’re near me, darling  
_ _Can’t you hear me? SOS  
_ _And the love you gave me  
_ _Nothing else can save me SOS._

Sirius tries to join in singing again, but Lily physically slaps her hand over his mouth.

REMUS

Oh, thank you for that, Lily.

LILY

No, I’m not doing this either. Get out of here, you massive creep. And take this one with you!

SIRIUS

_When you’re gone–_

LILY, REMUS

NO!

**EXT. AN IDYLLIC GREEK BEACH - DAY**

Apropos of nothing, the setting is suddenly transported from gloomy England to sunny Greece, and the overall vibe magically becomes less Harry Potter fan fiction and altogether more “Mamma Mia 2008 direct reproduction.”

Christine Baranski is stepping out of a tiny paddleboat onto the white sand beach, next to a blurred figure that would be Colin Firth if this story had bothered to get the rights to Colin Firth, which it definitively did not.

The bartender from the film, who is credited on IMDB as ‘Pepper’ but who is never referred to by name in the film itself, steps out of the water after her.

PEPPER

CHRISTINE BARANSKI can’t ignore the chemistry between us.

CHRISTINE

Little boys who play with fire get their fingers burned!

You, the reader of this story, having had enough, enter the scene. The action screeches to a halt with a click and a staticky blur, as if someone has paused the VHS, as if this is 2001 Disney movie “The Emperor’s New Groove” and we are both the talking llama.

READER

Okay, no, what? What. What is happening. What is this.

AUTHOR

Well, I just couldn’t cut this song from the script but I didn’t really want to properly adapt it. Like, in the first place I obviously couldn’t come up with anyone from Harry Potter who could be Christine, and even if I had, I mean does anyone want a Seamus/Christine or a Neville/Christine song? Or even worse, a Neville/McGonagall song?

READER

I mean, no. I presumably do not.

AUTHOR

But the original is just so iconic that I couldn’t not include it! So I am including it. The original, that is. So lets all kick back and enjoy Christine Baranski’s big dick energy for all that it’s worth.

READER

I feel like I should be kink shaming you right now.

AUTHOR

That is valid and probably correct. Would you like a mojito?

READER

Well, obviously neither of us are really here, but yes. I would.

With a click, the beach scene restarts, as the author apologizes with her eyes for including an intertextual and in character authors note like this is 2006 and we’re on fanfiction dot net.

 **”Does Your Mother Know”**  

CHRISTINE

(Singing)  
_You’re so hot, teasing me  
__So you’re blue  
__Well, I can’t take a chance on a kid like you  
__It’s something I couldn’t do  
__There’s that look in your eyes  
__I can read in your face that your feelings are driving you wild  
__Oh, but, boy, you’re only a child  
__Well, I can dance with you, honey  
__If you think it’s funny  
__But does your mother know that you’re out?  
__And I can chat with you, baby  
__Flirt a little, maybe  
__Does your mother know that you’re out?_

PEPPER

_Take it easy!_

CHORUS

 _Take it easy. Better slow down, boy  
_ _That’s no way to go  
_ _Does your mother know?_

PEPPER

_Take it easy!_

CHORUS

 _Take it easy. Try to cool it, boy  
_ _Play it nice and slow  
_ _Does your mother know?_

CHRISTINE

Come on, boys!

 _I can see what you want  
_ _But you seem pretty young  
_ _To be searching for that kind of fun  
_ _So maybe I’m not the one  
_ _Now you’re so cute I like your style  
_ _And I know what you mean  
_ _When you give me a flash of that smile  
_ _But, boy, you’re only a child  
_ _Well, I can dance with you, honey, etc._

AUTHOR

See? Wasn’t that worth it?

**EXT. GRIMMAULD PLACE BACK GARDEN - DAY**

Draco is sitting at one of the cafe tables, arranging and rearranging several floral centerpieces, frowning to himself as he charms the blossoms from white to blue to pink and back to white again. Harry slips through the back door, looking a bit sick and anxious.

HARRY

Draco–

Draco looks up at the sound of his name, sees the drawn and worried look on Harry’s face, and immediately jumps to his feet, flowers forgotten.

DRACO

Harry? What’s wrong?

HARRY

I’ve made a huge mistake.

Faintly, in the background, a few bars of “The Sound of Silence” play, unnoticed.

DRACO

Tell me.

HARRY

I may have ... invited my dad to my wedding. Well, all three of my dads.

DRACO

Three?

HARRY

I didn’t know which one he was, so I invited them all, and I was so sure that on first sight I would just _know_ and it would all work out, but I still have no idea who it is and Mum is going to kill me and now all three of them think they’re going to be walking me down the aisle and I don’t know how to fix this!

DRACO

Do they know that just because we’re both men, doesn’t mean either of us is a bride?

HARRY

I _tried_ to tell them that, but–

DRACO

I cannot believe you didn’t tell me you invited three whole dads.

HARRY

I knew you would stop me.

DRACO

Well, of course I would have, because it’s an idiotic plan! But, well, you never wanted the big fancy wedding and you went along with it for me, so I supposed I can go along with your harebrained scheme in return.

HARRY

I’m not really asking for an accomplice at this point, but thank you.

DRACO

Isn’t that what marriage is? Just permanently acquiring an accomplice?

HARRY

(Smiling weakly now) I suppose it is.

DRACO

And this means no more lying. I mean it. I need to know all the harebrained schemes I’m assisting with before they’re half-over.

HARRY

Deal.

DRACO

Anyway, don’t worry. We can fix this.

HARRY

How?

DRACO

Well, I’m extremely brilliant, remember? All we need is a little help from your mum.

**INT. GRIMMAULD PLACE - DAY**

Harry wanders around the first floor, searching for his mother, until he finds her in the parlor, ironing her wedding robes.

HARRY

Mum?

LILY

Aren’t you supposed to be getting dressed? Where’s Ron and Hermione, aren’t they helping you?

HARRY

I don’t know where they went. Can you help me, instead?

LILY

Oh, of course.

She sets the iron aside and takes Harry up to her bathroom, where she swings open a cabinet to show more hair products than any one witch could ever be assumed to own.

LILY

Now, your hair has always been crazier than mine, but mine’s no picnic either, and fear not, young padawan. I will do whatever it takes to get you looking polished and presentable for your beau.

She starts gently combing his hair, and her expression is bright but there’s a wistfulness in her eyes as she begins to sing.

**”Slipping Through My Fingers”**

LILY

 _Schoolbag in hand  
_ _He leaves home in the early morning  
_ _Waving goodbye  
_ _With an absent-minded smile  
_ _I watch him go  
_ _With a surge of that well-known sadness  
_ _And I have to sit down for a while  
_ _The feeling that I’m losing him forever  
_ _And without really entering his world  
_ _I’m glad whenever I can share his laughter  
_ _That funny little boy  
_ _Slipping through my fingers all the time  
_ _I try to capture every minute  
_ _The feeling in it  
_ _Slipping through my fingers all the time  
_ _Do I really see what’s in his mind?  
_ _Each time I think I’m close to knowing  
_ _He keeps on growing  
_ _Slipping through my fingers all the time  
_ _Sleep in our eyes  
_ _Him and me at the breakfast table  
_ _Barely awake  
_ _I let precious time go by  
_ _Then when he’s gone  
_ _There’s that odd melancholy feeling  
_ _And a sense of guilt I can’t deny  
_ _What happened to those wonderful adventures  
_ _The places I had planned for us to go?  
_ _Slipping through my fingers all the time  
_ _Well, some of that we did  
_ _But most we didn’t  
_ _And why, I just don’t know  
_ _Slipping through my fingers all the time  
_ _I try to capture every minute, etc._

HARRY

Mum, are you–disappointed in me?

LILY

(Gasps) Harry! How can you ever think such a thing?

HARRY

I mean, you did so much by the time you were my age. You had your band, and your marks were top of your class, and you started the B&B from nothing and practically rebuilt this whole house from scratch, and you did it all by yourself!

LILY

Well, darling, I had to. My parents were already dead and my sister certainly wasn’t going to help me out, but I wouldn’t have changed a thing if I could have. You’ve always been my perfect kid, you know that.

HARRY

But–

LILY

I _am_ proud of you. And everything I did, I did it so that you wouldn’t have to do everything yourself. I didn’t want you to feel like you were missing out on any experiences; I wanted you to have the happiest childhood.

HARRY

And I did.

LILY

Just because I did things one way, doesn’t mean that any other ways are any better or worse. You’re an adult now, Harry, and even though you’ll always be my baby it’s time for you to find your own path. AndI will be proud of you, no matter what it is.

They hug. It’s very heartwarming.

HARRY

Mom, will you walk me down the aisle?

LILY

I thought you and Draco weren’t doing that.

HARRY

I changed my mind. Please, Mum, it would mean a lot to me.

LILY

Don’t be silly, Harry, of course I will.

HARRY, LILY

 _Sometimes I wish  
_ _That I could freeze the picture  
_ _And save it from the funny tricks of time  
_ _Slipping through my fingers._

Hair as neat as it’s going to get and wearing his crisp black dress robes, Harry kisses his mother on the cheek and heads off to get married. Lily watches him go.

LILY

 _Schoolbag in hand  
_ _He leaves home in the early morning  
_ _Waving goodbye  
_ _With an absent-minded smile._

Lily gets dressed as well and heads out, locking the door behind her, but as she pauses on the front step to apparate, James runs up to her and interrupts.

JAMES

We need to talk.

LILY

Oh, God, not you too?

JAMES

It’s about the ceremony. Who’s giving Harry away?

LILY

I am, although that’s a ... new development. Why?

JAMES

Shouldn’t it be his father?

LILY

His father isn’t here. And after all, that’s an antiquated and sexist tradition, not to add that Harry is _not_ a bride so it’s irrelevant anyway.

JAMES

Er–well–but what if his father was here?

Lily stares him down for a long moment, and when she does speak again her tone is frosty.

LILY

I’m quite sure I don’t know what you mean.

JAMES

Lily, please, I just–

LILY

I have to go! I can’t do this now!

JAMES

Lily, what happened to us?

**”Winner Takes It All”**

LILY

(Singing)  
_I don’t wanna talk  
_ _About things we’ve gone through  
_ _Though it’s hurting me  
_ _Now it’s history_

JAMES

No!

LILY

What?

JAMES

I don’t care if you don’t want to talk, we have to. We have to figure this out. It’s not history, Lily, it’s right now and it’s our lives and it matters.

LILY (CONT’D)

 _I’ve played all my cards  
_ _And that’s what you’ve done, too  
_ _Nothing more to say  
_ _No more aceto play_

JAMES

You have not played all your cards, you won’t even talk to me–

LILY

 _The winner takes it all  
_ _The loser standing small  
_ _Beside the victory  
_ _That’s her destiny_

JAMES

I loved you, Lily. I loved you!

LILY

Oh? Then why did you leave? Why did you abandon me and go running off to Peru, and Australia, and anywhere else on the globe where I wasn’t?

(Singing)  
_I was in your arms  
_ _Thinking I belonged there  
_ _I figured it made sense  
_ _Building me a fence  
_ _Building me a home  
_ _Thinking I’d be strong there  
_ _But I was a fool  
_ _Playing by the rules_

JAMES

That’s not what happened! I didn’t leave you, you decided you didn’t want me!

(Singing)  
_The gods may throw the dice  
_ _Their minds as cold as ice  
_ _And someone way down here  
_ _Loses someone dear  
_ _The winner takes it all  
_ _The loser has to fall  
_ _It’s simple and it’s plain  
_ _Why should I complain?_

LILY

Merlin, why can none of you idiots sing at all–

(Singing)  
_But tell me does she kiss  
__Like I used to kiss you?  
__Does it feel the same  
__When she calls your name?  
__Somewhere deep inside  
__You must know I miss you_

JAMES

Come on, Lily. You have to know that it’s only ever been you.

LILY

Well–

JAMES

Ok, fine, and Sirius.

(Singing)  
_But what can I say?  
__Rules must be obeyed  
__The judges will decide  
__The likes of me abide  
__Spectators at the show  
__Always staying low_

LILY

 _The game is on again  
_ _A lover or a friend  
_ _A big thing or a small  
_ _The winner takes it all_

JAMES

 _I don’t wanna talk  
_ _’Cause it makes me feel sad  
_ _And I understand  
_ _You’ve come to shake my hand  
_ _I apologise  
_ _If it makes you feel bad  
_ _Seeing me so tense  
_ _No self-confidence, but you see_

LILY, JAMES

 _The winner takes it all  
_ _The winner takes it all  
_ _The game is on again  
_ _A lover or a friend  
_ _A big thing or a small  
_ _The winner takes it all_

The silence hangs in the air for a moment as their eyes lock, electric, and then–

LILY

Fuck! I’m late!

And in a swirl of frothy mint-green dress robes, she vanishes.

**EXT. MALFOY MANOR BACK GARDEN - DAY**

Malfoy Manor is a tall and imposing Elizabethan-era country manor–but despite the grim stone of the building itself, the garden itself is beautiful. A wide swathe of pristine lawn stretches off into the distance, dotted occasionally with beautiful but ill-tempered white peacocks and an extensive, exquisitely groomed flower garden. The section of lawn just past the garden is set up for a wedding, with a wide trellis bedecked in roses at the front, and dozens of white wooden chairs set up in rows flanking a wide, grassy aisle.

Lily apparates in to the gazebo set up for receiving guests, and is immediately swarmed by Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

HERMIONE

Lily, you’re late!

HARRY

Mum, where were you?

Ron is holding a clipboard and looks especially harried.

RON

Oh, thank Merlin you’re here. Okay, if we get started now we’re just barely behind schedule–

From outside, an unseen orchestra begins to play an instrumental version of “Apartment Story”.

RON

That’s your cue, mate! Go go go!

HERMIONE

Us first. Honestly, have you never been to a wedding before?

Hermione grabs Ron’s arm and they sweep out of the gazebo together and proceed down the aisle; they’re quickly followed by Blaise Zabini and Pansy Parkinson. After the attendants take their places, Harry holds out his arm to his mother, and they proceed down the aisle together as well.

Always one for dramatics, the music swells and Draco steps out of a second, magically hidden gazebo and walks down the aisle, his own mother on his arm. He is wearing a brilliantly white set of dress robes and a literal actual silver tiara inset with diamonds. He looks absolutely ridiculous. Harry is gazing at him with love in his eyes, looking rather like he’s been clocked with a frying pan, because there is no accounting for taste.

We realize that the wedding is being officiated by Madam Hooch, because who else would Harry and Draco ever be able to agree on? The music ends, and she clears her throat to begin.

HOOCH

Welcome, welcome everyone, to Harry and Draco and to all the family and friends we have here today. Welcome especially to Narcissa Malfoy, who has always been a dutiful mother in times of stress, and to Lily Evans, who represents Harry’s family in this time and all times.

HARRY

 _Represents?_ She _is_ my family, you–

Lily jumps to her feet.

LILY

And welcome as well, to Harry’s father. He’s ... he’s here, Harry.I should have told you.

HARRY

You didn’t need to tell me. I invited him.

Everyone gasps. James, Remus, and Sirius all stand up, and then stare at each other in bemusement.

LILY

What? How?! I don’t even know which one he is-oh, Merlin. That’s why they’re all here, isn’t it.

HARRY

I’m sorry, Mum. Please forgive me.

LILY

Of course, Harry. And I hope you can forgive me, as well, for keeping this from you your whole life.

HARRY

I don’t care if you’ve slept with a thousand men–

Narcissa Malfoy buries her face in her hands despairingly.

HARRY (CONT’D)

–you’ve always been the best mother anyone could have ever asked for.

LILY

(To the audience) I have not slept with a thousand men. Just establishing that for the record.

HERMIONE

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

LILY

No, of course not! But just saying. I have not.

JAMES

Hey, uh, can we just back up a little bit? I might be Harry’s dad? But it could also be Sirius, or Remus?

LILY

...yes.

JAMES

I just wish you’d given me a chance, to–to be there, for both of you.

LILY

I would have, but you just weren’t there to be given one. None of you were! You were in Australia and Remus was in the States and Sirius–okay, actually, I’m not sure where you were–

SIRIUS

Honestly, neither am I–

REMUS

Can I just say something?

LILY

By all means.

REMUS

Maybe I wasn’t there back then, when it really mattered, but I’m here now, and I want to stay. I want to be involved in Harry’s life as much as he’ll have me. I’ve always wanted a family and I’ve always been sure I could never have one, for various ... fluffy reasons... and I would love to be 1/3 of Harry’s father.

SIRIUS

Works for me.

JAMES

Me too. Harry, if you want to know for sure, there’s a spell, but it doesn’t matter to me at all. I just–

DRACO

(Interrupting) Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. You don’t _know_?

LILY

Draco, we were just over this. You don’t need to be rude–

DRACO

No, no, not that, I just mean–honestly, bloody _look_ at them all! James is practically a clone of Harry!

There’s a long moment of silence.

HARRY

You know, now that you mention it–

DRACO

You have the same face! The same hair! The same bloody glasses!

HERMIONE

He’s right, Harry. How did you not see it?

HARRY

I mean, I think I kind of look like all three of them, though–

DRACO, HERMIONE

HARRY!

DRACO

For Merlin’s sake, not to put too fine a point on it, but you’re mixed race and everyone else in this genetic soup is white!

There is another extremely long pause.

JAMES

Well, I still think it doesn’t really matter–

HARRY

Three dads are better than one–

SIRIUS

Why get too technical about it–

LILY

It’s a moot point anyway–

REMUS

Yeah, nobody is taking this from me–

DRACO

HEY! Can you all do this some other fucking time? If you haven’t noticed, I’m trying to get married up here!

HOOCH

Yes, quite. Dearly beloved, we gather–

JAMES

Wait! First, I just need to ask Lily something.

He drops to his knee in front of her, a wide smile on his face.

JAMES, (CONT’D)

What do you say, Evans? It’s about time we make it official, don’t you say?

SIRIUS

Hey! Not without me, you don’t!

He pushes his way through the sea of chairs, knocking Neville Longbottom straight over as he goes, and drops to one knee next to James.

SIRIUS (CONT’D)

We’ve always done everything together, and like hell am I letting this become an exception.

LILY

Do I get a say in this?

REMUS

Of course! And so do I.

He pushes his way over rather more delicately, but still managing to trod roughly on Neville’s feet.

REMUS (CONT’D)

Lily, James, Sirius, I know this is a bit ... unconventional, but if you’ll have me as well, I’d be honored.

Lily pauses for a long time, staring at them all with a dumbstruck expression, but Harry steps forward and places an encouraging hand on her elbow.

HARRY

Follow your heart, Mum. Dad. Dad. Dad.

LILY

You know what? I rather think I will.

**”I DO, I DO, I DO”**

SIRIUS

(Singing)   
_I can’t conceal it_

JAMES

Oh, for fucks sake!

LILY

Why are you still so bad?!

REMUS

Padfoot, please stop singing.

SIRIUS

_Don’t you see?_

_Can’t you feel it?_

RON, HERMIONE

_Say I do!_

LILY

_I do, I do, I do–_

JAMES

_I do–_

REMUS

_I do._

DRACO

WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO ME?!

Silence falls.

DRACO (CONT’D)

THIS IS STILL MY FUCKING WEDDING! AND I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOU–YOU WARBLING POLYGAMISTS TAKE AWAY ONE MORE SECOND OF MY BRIGHTEST DAY.

JAMES

That’s fair.

DRACO

SHUT UP!

HOOCH

Ah, yes, ah–do you, Draco Lucius Malfoy, take–

DRACO

YES!

HOOCH

And do you, Harry James Potter–

ALL

OH, COME ON!

HARRY

Yes, yes, I do–

HOOCH

You may now kiss–

They kiss. All cheer.

HOOCH

I now pronounce you man and ... man.

RON

(Sotto voce) Man and man?

HERMIONE

She clearly was not prepared for this.

**EXT. MALFOY MANOR BACK GARDEN - DUSK**

The wedding set has been taken down and a large banquet tent filled with tables has been set up in its stead. Draco’s floral centerpieces dot the tables, and more enchanted lights hang all around, bathing the scene in a beautiful golden glow.

**”When All Is Said And Done”**

SIRIUS

(Singing)  
_Here’s to us  
__One more toast  
__And then we’ll pay the bill  
__Deep inside both of us  
__Could feel the autumn chill_

DRACO

I will not hesitate to curse your damn balls off, you tone-deaf nightmare of a father-in-law–

HARRY

All right, all right, let’s calm down–

JAMES

No, it would be justified.

LILY

Silencio!

Sirius falls quiet. James grins at her.

JAMES

(Fondly) Thank Merlin I’ve got you around to keep this one in check.

Across the tent, Molly stares adoringly at Arthur.

**”Take A Chance On Me”**

MOLLY

(Singing)  
_If you change your mind  
__I’m the first in line  
__Honey, I’m still free  
__Take a chance on me._

ARTHUR

Molly, we’ve been married for 27 years.

In the center of the tent, the actual band The National appear and start playing “Slow Show.” Harry and Draco dance.

MATT BERNINGER

(singing)  
_I wanna hurry home to you  
__Put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up  
__So you can put a blue ribbon on my brain  
__God, I’m very, very frightened, I’ll overdo it_

HARRY

Sorry my parents ruined your wedding, Draco.

DRACO

Our wedding. And they didn’t ruin it. I’m still married to you, aren’t I?

Harry smiles.

HARRY

You’re the best husband I could ever ask for, you know.

DRACO

I do know. And same to you.

They kiss. Again. Again again.

MATT BERNINGER

 _You know I dreamed about you  
_ _For twenty-nine years before I saw you  
_ _You know I dreamed about you  
_ _I missed you for, for twenty-nine years_

HARRY

Alright, that’s enough slow songs for now.

DRACO

Let’s PARTY!

**”Waterloo”**

Everyone involved in this final, intricately choreographed closing number is suddenly wearing brightly colored sequined dress robes, idiotic platform shoes, and extremely large belt buckles: all the best and tackiest 70s clothes you can imagine, essentially.

FULL CAST

(Singing)  
_My, my, at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender  
_ _Oh yeah, and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way  
_ _The history book on the shelf  
_ _Is always repeating itself_

 _Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war  
_ _Waterloo - Promise to love you for ever more  
_ _Waterloo - Couldn’t escape if I wanted to  
_ _Waterloo - Knowing my fate is to be with you  
_ _Waterloo - Finally facing my Waterloo_

 _My, my, I tried to hold you back but you were stronger  
_ _Oh yeah, and now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight  
_ _And how could I ever refuse  
_ _I feel like I win when I lose  
_ _Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war  
_ _Waterloo - Promise to love you for ever more  
_ _Waterloo - Couldn’t escape if I wanted to  
_ _Waterloo - Knowing my fate is to be with you  
_ _Waterloo - Finally facing my Waterloo_

 _So how could I ever refuse  
_ _I feel like I win when I lose -  
_ _Waterloo - Couldn’t escape if I wanted to  
_ _Waterloo - Knowing my fate is to be with you  
_ _Waterloo - Finally facing my Waterloo  
_ _Waterloo - Knowing my fate is to be with you  
_ _Waterloo - Finally facing my Waterloo  
_ _Waterloo - Knowing my fate is to be with you_

**FIN**


End file.
